Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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