I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
