I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
