Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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