I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize