Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
