brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
so let's talk penis.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
