the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
