you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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