I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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