I smell stomach acid.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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