Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
