im having a threesome with these popsicles
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
