I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
