Kiss
Puke
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it's great music for shaving your balls
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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