they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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