wrigley field is MILF paradise
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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