yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think I sprained my soul last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
