Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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