I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
