The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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