I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
