Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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