At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
