I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
