I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
