the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
