i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
