I'm lost and stupid without you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
