i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
