420 ftw
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
