Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
