I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
