Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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