I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just want to make out with him forever
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
