My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
