i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
