Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
