shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
