I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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