Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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