WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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