I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
