I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
