After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
