Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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