I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
