apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
