did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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