I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
